(Bummer they didn't have finishing clocks for wave2 times)I'm not going to try to put my thoughts together in a coherent, witty post, but I want to get it down so I have the memories and lessons to look back on. So here are my reflections, being as honestly with myself as possible.
Sidenote: I have slowly shared this blog with some friends scattered across the country, but I have been hesitant to share with too many close friends, especially those in the city, as it has really been an outlet to be honest about where I am with my training, emotions, etc. I fear that if too many people close to me, as in training partners, coaches, etc read my thoughts on a daily basis, I may start to edit or censor. Right now I am SO glad I have made this choice b/c, as you will see in my reflections, I am a bit disappointed in my race this past weekend, and am so glad to have this as an outlet to express those feeling, bc I am still so so proud of my accomplishment and don't want to diminish it at all, or the help my friends gave me through the entire process, especially on 1st Avenue on marathon day.
So, here goes:
1. I admit, I am a bit disappointed with the outcome of the marathon. This has NOTHING at all to do with time. I know I will improve and in fact, believe I could end up enjoying the distance once I learn how to run it. However, I don't think I ran to my potential on Sunday, which is disappointing regardless of how many times you have done something.
2. What was my potential? I have no clue (see 'related' below regarding not having a time goal/race plan). I know I didn't run the amount you're 'supposed to' in my training (whatever that is?). I am not sure how much mileage my body will ever be able to handle, but I know there will be a limit. I did everything I could to smartly and safely get in the miles I could, and I am confident in this. But being my first marathon, after a major injury, I had no idea what I was capable of and didn't have much racing to base a goal time on.
3. I REALLY, REALLY enjoyed the training. I have always 'enjoyed' training as it has been a major part of my life since I was 12 years old. I don't know where I am going with this, or if there is a point I'm trying to make, but I enjoyed training for the marathon more than I have enjoyed triathlon training. Sometimes it feels like a task to get on my bike, but the running never felt like a task, and I really missed it when I needed to take rest weeks. I think the difference was having a specific goal race in mind- and want to remember this during triathlon season next year. I need to pick a goal race and train FOR it and focus on that.
3. HOWEVER- I do think I could have gotten some of the miles in SMARTER. My 20 miler was a half marathon, with 7 miles added on the end. There was about a 30-45 minute break between the first 13 and last 7, and maybe this contributed to whatever happened around mile 13? In the little corner of the back of my mind, I had never run 20 straight. BUT I had run 3ish hours TWICE, and I cracked before 2 hours, so who knows?
4. I still can't wrap my mind around what happened around mile 12/13. Maybe, even though I was feeling fine, I realized I had gone 13 miles and still had 13 MORE to go and I freaked out. But I don't remember that happening. Honestly, I just remember a moment where I decided to give up- which KILLS me. I have done this in the past when I thought I wasn't doing well- better to give up and have an excuse for failure than try your best and still fail. However, it's weird b/c I knew if I FINISHED I would have succeeded, regardless of time- but maybe I was just lying to myself about this?
**Related- I think not having a goal was a defense mechanism for not wanting to 'fail'. Now that I have run the distance and experienced the race, I cannot believe I went into this race without a time goal or even really a plan about pacing. I think this, more than anything, contributed to what happened. Once I started to slow down, I freaked out, but also had nothing to fall back on to make me feel OK/better. If I slowed down but was still within my goals, but could have thought, "That's OK, XX:XX minute/miles will still put me where I want to be", I could have had something to latch on and focus on. But I didn't have a goal pace, so when I started to slow, there was nothing to focus on except my splits getting slower and slower.
BUT, BIGGEST LESSON OF THE DAY: Do not put a Gu in your sports bra and forget about it- it will chafe in ways you've never experienced and leave a beautiful scab, that will most likely scar, in the most lovely of places.
So it's 4 days later and I feel almost 100%. I am still painfully tired and want to eat everything in sight, but my legs feel almost normal. There is a bit of lingering soreness behind one knee, but ironically, my hip feels better than it has in weeks.
And of course, now come the 'what's next?' thoughts. I'm going to try not to be stupid about what is next, and let myself recover and repair. My early tri season is pretty set- already registered for three races in June and July, one of which will become the 'GOAL' race, most likely NYC.
The most immediate goal: There is a 10k in December that I want to rock out. I have run this race every year since I moved to the city (for a grand total of two times - ha), and am excited to see if I can improve on last year's 4 minute PR now that I have a base I never had before.
But other than that, it's back to the pool and back on the bike, and I am REALLY REALLY excited about that.
